Holy cow

Published 11:27 pm Thursday, March 14, 2019

Holy Cow…paying a bribe of half a million bucks, far more than an entire education would actually cost, to get a kid into a top university? 


Actually going along with a plot to photoshop your child’s head onto the body of a student athlete in order to gain access as a new tennis/soccer/crew recruit? 

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Claiming your offspring has mental health issues in order to be allowed a longer time to take the SAT? 


It’s not as if I was shocked over the FBI’s findings of alleged fraud committed by multiple parents who clearly so doubted the ability of their children to receive coveted acceptance letters from their dream colleges, that they engaged in—I’ll say it—the stupidest schemes I’ve ever heard. 


First of all, there’s no reason to even commit fraud. Everyone knows that if you buy a building, your kid will be admitted. In Daniel Golden’s 2006 book, ’The Price of Admission,’ about how the rich buy access  into elite colleges, it was reported that real estate developer Charles Kushner, shortly before son Jared was admitted to Harvard, pledged a tax deductible $2.5 million gift. He’s certainly not the only one. And all perfectly legal. 


But to paste your kid’s head on an (athlete’s body that was found with a simple web search) and then add that photo with the application despite the fact your kid doesn’t even play the sport? There are reports that the children were unaware of the actions of the parents. If this is true, what the hell was Buffy or Chaz supposed to do when the Water Polo coach shows up and tells them to be in the pool by 7am for practice? 


And of course, every other student, including those denied for lack of funds or grades, as well as parents everywhere, are furious at such disgracefully brazen attempts to bypass the entire system. One particular daughter of a celebrity has found fame on youtube and there is a cringeworthy testament expressing her excitement of attending USC, but mostly for the partying, not studying, as “I don’t  know how much of school I’m going to attend, but I’m gonna go in and talk to my deans and everyone, and hope that I can try and balance it all,” she said on her ‘vlog,’ to her 2 million subscribers, “But I do want the experience of game days, partying…I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.” 


To her credit, after the fraud came to light, she did apologize on another vlog called, “im sorry.” 


And we’re sorry, Olivia Jade, that despite admission to a top tier school you still don’t seem to understand apostrophes. 


Applause all around to our Intelligence Community and the Dep’t of Justice for netting the dozens of accused in this scam. And while we’re at it, keep that applause going for all the parents and kids that do the boring but honest thing of actually studying and working hard to hopefully get into the college of their choice. Behaving with integrity and displaying the work ethic that will mould their lives. 


How times have changed. And while I may have more than my share of faults, I’m proud to say that the thought of cheating to get into college never, ever crossed my mind or my parents’. 


Of course, all I had to do was draw the pirate on the back of the matchbook cover and I was in like Flynn….