Ask Aunty Pam: A heartbreaking ‘tail’

Published 8:00 am Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Dear Aunty Pam,

I’m hoping you can help me because my heart is on the line.

I have a 6-year-old Polk County ditch dog that I’ve had since I rescued him out of a drainage pipe when he was a pup.

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Cletus is my best bud; I take him everywhere, and anywhere he isn’t welcomed, I don’t go. He sleeps with me, eats with me and rides shotgun with me in the truck. I love Cletus.

My problem is that a month ago, I met a real nice gal on-line. “Suzy” said she was an animal lover, and so we set up a time to meet.

It went great — love at first sight, to be honest. She’s cute, smart, funny, the whole package.

And then last week she invited me over for dinner and seemed kind of surprised to see I’d brought Cletus. It went south from there.

Suzy lives in a little cottage, and Cletus is a big dog. About 65 pounds.

It wasn’t his fault, but he was excited and wagging his tail and his tail knocked a crystal wine glass off her coffee table and busted it. Then he walked into the kitchen and pulled the smoked salmon canapés off the counter and ate them.

Suzy was so upset that she started crying. I offered to pay for everything, but that just made it worse. She ran to her bedroom and slammed the door, and left me and Cletus on the couch.

Aunty Pam, last night, Suzy told me that Cletus is no longer welcomed in her house, and if I have any intention of going further with our relationship, I’m going to have to get rid of him.

Cletus means everything to me, but so does Suzy. What should I do?

Heartsick in Tryon

Dear Heartsick,

Aunty Pam is quite surprised that you don’t see the solution that is staring you straight in the face.

Keep your ditch dog and ditch Suzy.

A good dog is far more important than a human relationship, in that dogs offer unconditional love, allowing us to hold on to all our worst character flaws while remaining adored. As you well know, in only a matter of weeks, a human will be whining over such things as, “Are you ever going to change your sheets?” or “I’m tired of you using my car and leaving the gas tank empty,” and “What do you mean, all I’ll need is a shot of penicillin??!”

Best of all, dogs don’t have birthdays or know what Valentines’ Day is, so you save big bucks, right there.

But it is possible to find a great girlfriend as well.

First of all, if you’re going to go to online dating sites, check out because any woman on that site will probably come with a barn, a truck and an Australian Shepherd, which might fall in love with Cletus.

And finally, perhaps downshift your selection to a lower socio-economic group, Heartsick. The biggest problem with Suzy was that she was wealthy enough to own crystal and smoked salmon.

With Cletus around, you’re going to need a gal that can’t afford anything that’s breakable.

And a vodka gimlet drunk from a plastic tumbler isn’t that bad. Trust your Aunty Pam.

Cheers, dears!