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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

Question: am I really ‘cheap’ and ‘tacky’ for getting my ex-girlfriend a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store on Valentine’s Day? I say ‘ex’ girlfriend because as of now, she’s barely spoken to me and I get the drift she’s about to break things off.

Back story— ‘Amber’ knows I’m pretty broke after I lost my last job and just started a new one, but had to wait two weeks to get paid. I even said that to her before Valentine’s Day, and she said not to worry, it wasn’t a big deal and Valentine’s is just a Hallmark Holiday anyway. I still wanted to get her something, so I got her a mixed bouquet from Ingles for $8, and she looked at me like I was a dog that had just dropped a dead squirrel at her feet. At first, she was sort of quiet about it, then kind of distant. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she couldn’t believe I’d get her something so cheap and tacky and figured I’d wait till I was making money and THEN buy her something nice. By the way, she didn’t get me anything, and when I brought that up, she said, ‘You get me as your gift.’

I’m pretty sure she’s finished with me, and I just want to know if what I did was really as bad as she says.

 

Ricky B

Spartanburg S.C.

 

Dear Ricky,

 

Beware the woman—any woman, like, even a NUN— who says, ‘No really, it’s not a big deal, don’t get me anything’ because they are big, fat, hairy liars. They expect jewelry, and it had better be at least a half-carat.

My boy, you’ve been given a reprieve from the governor. Run, run like the wind from Amber, and don’t look back, lest you turn into a pillar of Splenda. I just wish I’d been there to coach your reply when she told you that her gift to you was ‘herself.’ Then you would have had the opportunity to retort, ‘Good to know, so I can return you.’

 

Cheers, dears!!

Aunty Pam