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Ask Aunty Pam

Dear Aunty Pam,
I live in the UK, and your fame and good sense has forged its way here, where I enjoy reading your column enormously.
I have a problem which with you are uniquely qualified to help. It is hot here. it is blisteringly, fry an egg on the pavement hot. We are not used to this heat, and I certainly am struggling to manage it.
It is Spanish Moss oppressive and since you live with this every day in the Summer months, can you tell me- HOW THE HECK DO YOU DO IT? And please don’t say air conditioning because we just don’t have that resource available.
Honestly, I’m going to start talking with a drawl and saying things like “bless your heart” soon, if I don’t get help.
Help!
Many thanks,
Melting Me

Dear MM,
My word, I’m quite surprised to hear from an Englishwoman and I thank you kindly for your lovely (unless meant to be facetious) words.
A heatwave in England you say? So, I am assuming your temps are hovering somewhere around 65-66f? Only a cardigan needed when going out to collect the mail? Beer warmer than usual? Of course, I jest as yes, both the UK and much of the Continent are truly steaming this summer.
The truth is, MM, that we southerners don’t really deal with it well. We bear it begrudgingly, remaining in a state of constant stickiness, our necks damp with sweat trickling down our backs from simply walking to our cars. Child, you don’t know what sweaty is until you unhook your bra and it doesn’t fall down.
We say things like, “Hot enough for ya?” when standing behind someone in the Post Office. Now, as we wear medical masks for protection against Covid, we ask, “Suffocating enough for ya?”
Not having air conditioning is tough, tough, tough. But there are ways you can cool off: drinking ice water will indeed cool your core according to every menopausal woman on the planet. And those gel filled ice packs meant for injured knees or elbows (or better yet, wine bottles!) can also be worn around the neck, as can a cold and wet compress. A floor fan, directed at your face/chest while dabbing rubbing alcohol on your skin is wonderfully cooling as well.
And if none of that is satisfactory I would suggest watching a replay of Boris Johnson declaring funding cuts to the NHS during Covid19.
Because that is seriously chilling.
Cheers, dear!

Aunty Pam