Brothers and sisters in America, we have herds of deer grazing in our front yard, horses and people are stampeding toward Tryon, wild hogs are closing in on downtown Raleigh, and the Anti-Christ has taken over Washington.

Not to mention my Olympic hero, “Bruzy” Jenner, having a sex-change, leaving the alt-Kardashian reality and becoming a Republican.

Rivers of molten rock are paving over our 15th state inch-by-inch, and, unbelievably, we’ve somehow managed to tick off the most hospitable, laid-back folks on earth — the Canadians.

The Canadians! 

We’re separating mothers from their children and confining them in gulags spread across Texas, a friendly foreign country like our ally, Russia.  It’s only a matter of time until the French ask for their statue back, and we’ll embargo their wine in return. 

Not to go all Revelations or Jeremiah on you, but just because Denzel Washington isn’t roaming an apocalyptic desert that used to be Polk County with a 12-gauge pump or we’re not warming ourselves over piles of garbage and chasing rats doesn’t mean that the end isn’t near. 

You can see it approaching from the top of Mt. Pisgah, as acid rain has stripped all the trees. 

Also, I lost at pickleball the other day.        

Milton Ready, Tryon