I’m Just Saying: Meet the Puckers

Published 8:00 am Friday, April 27, 2018

I have a friend that I’ll call “Jon” (appropriate, really, because that’s actually his name), and he travels.

A lot. Endlessly.

It has to do with his job, and I can’t explain what it is he does because even though he’s patiently explained twice, I’m too stupid to actually get it, so I just nod and pretend I’m following. The word “Geo” is involved, and lots of banks, but absolutely no Russians, so all good and now you know as much as I do.

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At any rate, I love following him on Facebook and drooling over some of the most amazing photos that he posts from every corner of the world. One day might be in the center of Paris, the next week, a drizzly morning in Singapore, followed days later by a bleak and barren Nebraska winterscape beneath an ominous heavy belly of clouds.

This week, he’s been in Miami and, as a decent guy who is authentically kind hearted and yet honestly perplexed, he posted: “I’ve been at work for all of 30 minutes and already I’ve encountered four nipped and tucked women with lips not found in nature.” He went on to qualify his remark by stating that he completely understood that there are people for whom plastic surgery is very helpful for flagging self-esteem, but he most definitely is not the first man I’ve heard who has asked aloud, “Seriously, does anyone find giant, inflated lips attractive?”

To be clear, Jon means lips of the Kardashian variety. As in lips that enter a room first. And if you’re a Kardashian, that’s saying something.

But I would argue that, certainly, there are those who find giant, over inflated lips exceedingly sexy.

Beginning with wide mouth bass.

But here’s the thing…for those who have God-given, very full lips, it looks fantastic because the face that surrounds it was organically created in the womb to balance every feature. Think Rihanna, Angelina Jolie, Eva Mendes, Sophia Loren…all of these women have the supporting scaffolding beneath their skin that gives their faces the exotic, chiseled jaw lines along with cheek bones so sharp they could give you a paper cut.

Now, picture Savannah Guthrie, Jennifer Anniston, Christie Brinkley — all those sexy, bright wide smiles — and imagine those lips injected to the category of a trout pout. 

You can’t, can you? For the life of me, I cannot imagine clever, pretty, thin-lipped Savannah Guthrie with huge, inflated lips. And if she ever went that route, she would look appalling.

I think the more interesting question is this: Why, exactly, is the notion of giant inflated lips considered sexy in the first place? I mean, says who? A certain percentage of men for whom it is a fetish?

That’s going to an awful big expense, not to mention pain, just to give an appearance that appeals to a small demographic when the overwhelmingly larger percentage finds it nothing less than bizarre.

It makes me think back to a youngish cocktail waitress at a comedy club I was talking with who had to repeat herself three times before I could understand what she was saying, owing to the silver stud that pierced through the center of her tongue.

“I don’t mean to pry,” I pried, “but why on earth would you do something like that?”

She looked at me almost pityingly in my yokelness, and replied smugly, “Becauth my boyfrienth thinkth itth thexy.”

And who was I to debate the allure of pillow talk with a speech impediment, so I shrugged and took a swig of my Jägermeister as a reply. 

Oh well, fashion trends come and go, and sometimes come back around again, don’t they? Big poodle-perms with stiffly sprayed bangs that arched over the forehead like the breaking wave in the beginning of “Hawaii Five-0,” bell bottoms that could hide a family of six and using a dark brown pencil to outline heavily glossed, red lips.

I forgot about that last one. That was truly awful. 

Alright, Kylie, bring in the bicycle pump and top ‘em up. Come to think of it, they could certainly look a lot worse.