Special Cases: I don’t have all the answers

Published 8:00 am Friday, March 2, 2018

Last week, a lady came up to me and told me I was spending far too much money on lost causes. 

It is a complaint I thought I nipped in the bud long ago, but I guess I was wrong. I don’t have the patience I used to, and I lashed out at this dear lady, who I am now officially apologizing to. 

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem,” I said roughly.

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I have long since grown weary of opinions.

If you wish to help, ask me what I need. If you wish to take another route and do things differently, be my guest.

Ask any of the local rescues, and they’ll tell you I’ll always be there to help an animal to the best of my ability.

I have some tales to tell, but I’ll leave that for next week. I have dug up “How to give your cat a pill” to inject some humor into this week’s column.

Please enjoy and thanks for listening.

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick up cat and cradle it in the crock of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.   

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Retrieve spouse from outside.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.   

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible form below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.   

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot of Scotch and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check record for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new on from bedroom.   

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.   

13) Tie the little &#^@’s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold cat’s head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.   

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the ER. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.   

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give your dog a pill

1) Wrap pill in bacon.

2) Toss it in the air.