It’s not that I’m terribly paranoid about bugs. Would I ‘friend’ them on social media? Probably not. 

Now, spiders, particularly walking unknowingly through a web which results in me performing something akin to a St. Vitus dance, are a bit different. I know what black widows and fiddlebacks look like, but the ones I usually see around the barn that give me the willies are those giant black ones, waiting to feast on the crickets at nightfall, as well as the golden orb or ‘writing spiders,’ spinning their elaborate webs.

I’ve yet to see Some Pig spelled out, but oddly, I did just see #TaxReform.

All of this pales in comparison with something I saw that was more horrifying than the Christmas decorations already on display at Dollar General: a massive scorpion. I’m not talking about those obsequious little brown ones that seem to call mountainous and woodsy places home, I’m talking about one that came out of our rose bed that I could have easily fitted with a harness and taken to obedience class at PetSmart. This scorpion reminded me of the ones that you shudderingly see out West: at least two inches in length, it’s tail coiled upwards, ready to sting man or stupid dog on the nose.

“Geez, that’s a monster,” I said to Paul. “In twenty years living here, I’ve never seen such a beast. “Is this global warming? Record sized hurricanes and giant scorpions coming to get us?”

“If it is, we’re moving to Greenland.” Paul agreed.

After four days of shaking out my shoes each morning and inspecting every inch of bed linen before going to sleep at night, I managed to comfort myself with the fact that ‘Big Luther’ was simply a one-off, a freak of nature that perhaps had feasted on some Miracle Gro.

And then like an idiot, I had to upload his photo onto Facebook where one of my friends, Helen, who surprisingly seemed to know an awful lot about creepy things (but then she does work with the general public), chirped up.

“There are some scorpions native to N.C.,” She wrote. “However, with the climate so warm, I’m not surprised of the size. Also, a lot of non-native scorpions are introduced to the area because of the pet trade. They’re cheap pets sold at reptile shows and mom and pop pet stores. There’s a reptile rescue in Kernersville that actually rescued a Gila Monster in our area. Someone’s very expensive pet was either released or escaped captivity. BTW, cobras are legal to purchase in S.C. They have also rescued several different species of cobra.”

You read that correctly. In a state where it’s been illegal to buy liquor on a Sunday, there’s no problem whatsoever in buying the lethal representation of Satan on a whim. And frankly, if Aunty Pam ever actually sees a cobra, she’s going to need access to liquor, so open those doors! To repeat: cobras are legal to purchase in our area and several different species have been rescued. That’s nice, isn’t it? Funnily enough it hasn’t occurred to any soft hearted soul to start a rescue for PEOPLE to get them away from COBRAS. 

It’s really more than I can take. The thought of taking a walk, only to be met by a swaying, spitting cobra and being ill equipped with no punji to play and charm him makes me want to go straight to bed. 

After I shake out my shoes, inspect the linen and hire a security guard.