Words of wisdom from Aunty Pam

Published 9:46 pm Thursday, September 18, 2014

As I celebrate yet another trip around the sun in the next week, it is my hope that, if nothing else, I’ve picked up various scraps of wisdom that is supposedly the trade-off for crows feet and that one, odd hair that…


And what is the point of wisdom if one cannot bore others with tid-bits of tedious trivia? So instead of receiving birthday gifts from any of you (although I would totally dig any Starbucks prezzies sent to me via my Facebook account), let your Aunty Pam share what she has gleaned so far in, as Prince, or the Artist Formally Known as Prince, or the Little Guy in the Heels who’s calling himself yet again, Prince, would call, “This thing called life:”

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Despite just making fun of him, Prince is probably the most original, talented, solo pop artist of the last 30 years.

When a cat is trying to dislodge a hairball, you have exactly three “Aacks!” in which to grab it and get it off your rug before the hairball is deposited.

And if the hairball is ejected at night, you will step in it in the morning. In bare feet.

The reason your dogs go insane upon seeing you return from a 10 minute dash to the post office is because, if you consider the time span of dog years, to them, you’ve been gone three weeks.

Your dog will only drag his bum across the carpet when you have guests over.

Gas station pumpkin spice coffee tastes every bit as good as Starbucks because there’s no evidence of any pumpkin, whatsoever, in either of them.

A 1953 Ford Jubilee tractor will try to kill you every time you get on it, despite the fact that the PTO is turned off and the brakes have just been repaired.

Dogwood berries get the first faint flush of red by August 10.

In a nod to the pioneers of stock car racing, if someone would sponsor a ‘Bangers’ Series, where drivers must work on their own car and drive it to the race, it would be a huge hit and racing would once again truly embrace the average enthusiast. Just don›t let NASCAR get their paws on it.

If I won the lottery, I would sponsor that series.

At some point, I should play the lottery.

The original, classic, charm of Winnie the Pooh was completely destroyed when Disney bought it.

Dames Judi Dench and Helen Mirren prove that one doesn’t need to inject their lips into a trout pout in order to stay relevant and successful in the business.

It’s just nuts that kids are no longer being taught cursive handwriting. If I had to struggle through the entire third grade to legibly create a capital ‘T’ and ‘F,’ so can you, you little brats.

The Amalfi coast is exquisite.

Big football players shouldn’t punch their girlfriends.

People on airplanes shouldn’t start fighting so furiously over reclining a seat that a flight has to be diverted.

Violent football players should be forced to fly in Economy Class all the way to Japan, behind their girlfriends who just reclined their seats as far as possible.

Arizona has tanning booths. How lazy are these people? Just walk to the mailbox and you’ll come back looking like rawhide.

There really is such a thing as ‘Hair Club for Men.’

At some point, there will be a woman that files suit, claiming it’s sexist not to be allowed to join.

ISIS doesn’t realize that, in America, a Black Flag means insect killer.

We need to create an enormous fogger…

There’s nothing funnier than watching the expressions in your rear view mirror when you put an ‘Obama/Biden’ sticker on the left side of your bumper and an “I am the NRA!” on the right.

If you are letting your bare skin or your pet come in contact with the upholstery of your made-in-China sofa, you’d better google the health risks.

Fresh flowers in a room immediately make you feel better.

When Jack Russells become fat and elderly, squirrels simply stroll past them.

Most people have a secret stash of cash their spouse knows nothing about.

That stash should be spent on horses.