‘Where is the Ark?’

Published 11:25 am Friday, September 28, 2012

To the editor:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every living thing.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash, God delivered the ark specifications to Noah and he began to build.  Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds gathered all over the earth, and then the Lord saw Noah on his front porch, weeping.
“Where is the Ark?”
“Lord, I did the best I could, but there were big problems.  First,” Noah continued, “I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the building codes.  So I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.  And then, my neighbor objected, claiming that I was violating ‘zoning ordinances’ by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.  Then I had problems getting enough wood because there is a ban on cutting trees to protect some little ole spotted owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed that wood to save the owls.  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service wouldn’t let me catch any owls, so… no owls.
“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike, so I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone could pick up a hammer or saw.  Now I have 22 carpenters, but still no owls!  There were other problems too, Lord.  When I started rounding up other animals, an animal rights group who objected to me taking only two of each kind on board sued me.  Just as I got the suit dismissed, the E.P.A. notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filling an ‘environmental impact statement’ on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
“Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them the globe.  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission who claims I am practicing discrimination by not allowing godless, unbelieving sinful people on board. The IRS has seized all of my assets, stating that I owe them some kind of ‘user tax’ for failing to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft.’ And now, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction on the Ark, and I really don’t thinkj that I can finish… for another 120 years.”
The sky began to clear and the sun began to shine and the seas grew calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up, hopeful.  “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”
“No,” said the Lord sadly.  “I don’t have to. The government and commissioners already have.”
– Vivian Searcy, Mill Spring

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