Water works in Tiny Kingdom

Published 5:30 pm Tuesday, March 13, 2012

To the Editor:
Well, my friend, spring is about to spring once again here in the Tiny Kingdom, actually it’s hard to say goodbye to a winter that never really arrived.
As I understand it, last autumn the Occupy the Tiny Kingdom group that gathers daily at the “Hangin’ On to The 60s” coffeehouse on Trade Street voted “no” on winter. What with the depressed economy and all, it was decided we couldn’t afford to have ice and snow.
A couple of odd things have developed recently; the Tiny Kingdom’s elected brain trust, is talking with Ni America, a young (five-year-old) company, that wants to buy the Tiny Kingdom’s Water Works, sort of like real life Monopoly.
Of course the kingdom could demand a higher price for its water works if it could provide the interested buyer with a map of its pipelines and an actual list of customers who are really hooked into the sewer system!
I’m thinking this company sees that Polk County is developing its own water distribution system (the county has already hooked its growing system into two outside water sources and will soon be looking for a third from whom it can buy water.
So these young whipper-snappers come riding in and empty their carpet bags full of money all over the Tiny Kingdom, and the king, wearing his new suit of clothes says, “Ain’t we smart, we are no longer are saddled with that liability.”
At about the same time the ink is drying on the contract, these same young whipper-snappers are starting to talk with the county about “giving” the county about 800 customers with brand new water meters, and all the county has to do is sign this 30-year contract to buy water from what used to be the Tryon Water Department.
After that deal is done all the young whipper-snappers have to do is sit back and watch their one water meter (the one connected to the line that feeds the county) spin like a top with dollar signs and occasionally add some Clorox to the tanks at the sewer plant.
Hang on my friend, it ain’t over. I understand the powerful Boombaleenie family in Chicago and Las Vegas is interested in buying the Tiny Kingdom’s Police Department. Tell the fat lady to get into costume, she’s singing next.
The other strange recent development is that some bureaucrats in a far off land with way too much time on their hands have decided to start messing around with the border between North and South Carolina. This could spell trouble because the Tiny Kingdom borders the very strange land called South Carolina.
There are many Tiny Kingdom expatriates, like myself who moved south to the Land of Landrum to get away from those bitter cold winters of the north.
– John Calure, Landrum