Badger away!

Published 12:53 pm Wednesday, October 12, 2022

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What the world needs now, is love, sweet love…and Honey Badgers.


Because Vlad is saber rattling with threats of nuclear aggression, and Kim Jong Un, who was recently seen donning a bizarre, new white wardrobe, complete with wide-brimmed straw hat—evidently mistaking ‘cruise wear’ for ‘cruise missile wear,’ has been launching a flurry of them.

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Like many, I wish there were no such thing as nuclear weapons as it ensures mutual destruction. And so my ‘modest proposal’ is to secretly unleash a platoon of honey badgers to back up Ukrainian soldiers, as well as to patrol the parking area behind Putin’s palace, to keep him locked inside. And then send a container ship filled with them to North Korea with a big sign painted on the side that reads, ‘Moon Pies’ so Kim will open it immediately and inadvertently face a far more formidable foe than cruise missiles.


If you’re unaware of honey badgers, I will tell you they are probably the most ferocious animal on the planet. They tend to hang out in a stretch that includes Africa, Southwestern Asia and India. And I don’t know who named them a ‘badger,’ when they look nothing like a badger. They look far more like a weasel on steroids. With road rage. Their hide is so tough that they can raid a beehive and take on a thousand stings remaining undeterred. Porcupines are tasty to them and their quills serve as toothpicks. They are so tough that dogs can’t kill them and they can withstand several blows from a machete. They commonly carry rabies and the thought of a honey badger with rabies … I can’t even…


The best illustration, however, I have seen of their incendiary nature is a recent video showing ONE honey badger taking on THREE leopards, somewhere in Africa. Now, fair warning: perhaps like you, I tend not to watch these ’nature’ videos because I can’t handle seeing a lion take down a poor zebra or antelope. I know nature can be very cruel, I just don’t want to watch it. But this video is incredible because not only does it show what one would consider to be the end of a honey badger, as it is chomped on multiple times, but somehow, without showing a hint of pain, it bites the heck out of the leopards until they back off. And then trots merrily away, none the worse for wear! ‘Cause a honey badger don’t care…


These guys will do anything! But even a honey badger would never wear white after Labor Day, Kim—that’s just crazy.