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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

I don’t have kids because I’ve never wanted kids but despite this, my family always wants me to hold their kids. This freaks me out because, especially when the kid is a baby, I don’t even know how to hold it. I get so nervous and stiff that the kid starts screaming right away.

 

The last time I told one of my sisters that I didn’t want to hold her baby, she said, “Oh, come on, you’ll be fine, just hold her for a second while I go to the bathroom.” Well, she should have taken her baby with her because as soon as she left the room, her baby vomited and I didn’t want to get it on me, so I pointed her in the other direction and she was sick all over my sister’s couch.

 

I couldn’t believe how mad my sister got at me when she saw what happened! She said she couldn’t believe I didn’t just take her baby into the kitchen on the tiled floor, or something, and that now she was going to have to have the cushion covers dry cleaned and the carpet too. She even hinted I should pay for it—like it was my fault or something! I told her there was no time, that her baby just opened her mouth and it came out like a fire hose.

 

So now my sister is ghosting me. She’s not answering my calls or texts. Her birthday is next week and she’s not even answered my text asking if she’d like to go out to dinner on the day. What should I do?

 

Signed,

Childless

 

Dear Childless,

 

Why do people refer to themselves as ‘childless?’ I’ve never understood that. I don’t have kids either, but I’ve never called myself ‘childless.’ Likewise, by not owning a German car, I don’t say I’m “Porscheless.” Or Parrotless. Or Hedgefundless. You get the idea…

 

Aunty Pam thinks your sister is acting in a ridiculous and immature manner. You specifically told her you didn’t want to hold that combustible child and it’s not your fault it exploded. I guess moms, like cat or dog owners, have a sort of sixth sense that helps them make a flash decision about what to do when a child becomes ill, sort of like the way we grab a cat in the nick of time from the dining room rug when we hear the second ‘earp’ noise they emit before tossing a hairball. But you’re not a mom and wouldn’t have this instinct.

 

Honestly, I wouldn’t do anything right now. It’s a real shame sis is being this immature but you’ve reached out to her in numerous ways and she’s the one choosing not to speak. You’ve put the ball in her court.  Move on, do your own thing, and for God’s sake, avoid Chuck E Cheese.

 

Cheers, dear!

Aunty Pam