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Dear Aunty Pam,

 

I’ve been married for over 30 years to my husband and we get along pretty well until recently. My husband and I both have ‘our’ dogs. Mine is a sweet Chihuahua and his is a mixed hound that he got at the shelter. We love our dogs and they are our children.

We do everything with them and they sleep with us in our king-sized bed.

 

The problem is my husband’s dog passes gas so often it literally makes me gag. My husband thinks it’s funny and says to just pull the covers over my head but that doesn’t help because my husband passes gas all the time too! I am positive all this gas is because my husband snacks on the worst stuff— pork rinds and cheetos, just to name a few, and he gives them to his dog too. I don’t eat much junk food and I certainly don’t give it to my dog, and ‘our’ side of the bed is odor free!

 

Any advice? I honestly am thinking about moving into the guest bedroom because between both of them, I get nauseous and can’t sleep!

 

Signed,

Angry wife

 

Dear AW,

 

Gosh, that’s a lot of Putin (well, I had to, right?) going on!

 

As far as Aunty Pam is concerned, you’ve got three options. The first is that perhaps you still have protective face masks in your house? If those super-tough N95 masks can repel Covid cooties, perhaps they can’t block the smell of those buttock bassoons going on in your bridal bed.

 

The second is to fight fire with fire. No, Aunty Pam is not suggesting you light a match as there’s no point in burning down the house, but there are prank products available to purchase (I can’t believe I was reduced to googling ‘F*** in a Can at 7am) to drive home the point of how odorous these emissions are, while the hubs thinks it’s funny. Indeed this ’scent’ comes in a can and is, of course, available at Walmart. I suggest keeping it under the bed, pull out as needed, and then have an escape route for yourself planned in advance, crawling low to the ground and keeping a wet towel wrapped around your head.

 

Finally, yes, if all else fails, take the guest room bed! That in no way should instill fear that your marriage is crumbling—in fact, it will strengthen it as one can only wake up in a better mood from a full night’s sleep without retching.

 

And your Chihuahua will thank you too.

 

Cheers, dear!

Aunty Pam