Just Sayin

 

Each year around this time I headline a stand-up comedy concert to benefit Big Oaks Rescue Farm in Greenwood, SC. This year the chosen venue was the historic Abbeville Opera House, and what a privilege it was to stand upon that stage.

 

The building looks imposing from the outside, a large brick three story affair lovingly restored without deviating from its original splendor. And I particularly appreciated that the people of Abbeville chose to erect a historical marker directly outside where it can’t be missed, telling the story of the lynching of a wealthy African American farmer named Anthony Crawford. The details are devastating and the marker stands as a constant reminder of what past residents of this charming town had been capable of and a refusal to gloss over or forget this heinous event.

 

As gracious and imposing as the Opera House appeared the moment I stepped through its doors I felt inexplicably at home. Yes, I do still get a few butterflies before a show (and if they’re not butterflies its a seized colon after shoving a couple of protein bars into my face on the drive down) but the ambience, as warm as its worn oak floors, settled over my shoulders and after shaking hands with staff, took a peek at the showroom. 

 

It was massive, beginning with its black stage and a rich red curtain edged in gold fringe to face the main floor audience and not one, but two balconies reared overhead. On either side were two private boxes jutting out—fitting for any guest of Downton Abby or royalty. On the top balcony was cordoned off one particular seat which is said to be haunted by a past actress who had fallen ill and died the night her understudy took to the stage. 

 

Venues like these are indeed an honor in which to perform… As I strolled around backstage and located the dressing room (with the smallest imaginable bathroom featuring a hand written card reading ‘Make sure toilet handle is UP!’) I found myself gazing at framed copies of former Vaudevillians that had toured the country and graced this very stage when it opened in 1908: Fanny Brice, Jimmy Durante, Milton Berle and a host of road shows from New York including ’The Jazz Singer.’ Simply getting changed in the same room as Fanny Brice or walking towards backstage as Jimmy Durante did is indeed heady stuff. 

 

But what induced a chuckle and made me grab the arm of Andy, the comic going on before me and point, was a reproduction of the original warning to all jokesters printed by the Opera House and dated 1908. Man, they meant business!

 

’Notice: COMEDIANS,’ it began after a flourish of calligraphy. ‘Our audience expects the cream of Vaudeville and the weekly certainty of seeing a good show, perhaps even a great one. Do not say ’Slob’ or ’Son-of-a-gun’ or ‘Hully Gee’ on this stage unless you want to be cancelled immediately. Do not address anyone in the audience in any manner. If you do not have the ability to entertain the audience without offending them, do the best you can.

 

Lack of talent will be less open to censure than would be an insult to a patron. If you are in doubt as to the character of your act—consult with the local manager before you go on stage for if you are guilty of uttering anything sacrilegious or even suggestive you will be immediately closed and will be never again allowed in this theater.’ 

 

I’m thinking Carlin and Pryor wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes and even I would have been tossed into the gutter along with Joan Rivers not to mention Carol Burnett — addressing the audience with her trademark Tarzan yell would’ve seen her joining the rest of us hunched around the bar at the next door Tinkers Alley Bar, trying to figure out how we were going to afford a train ticket back home. 

 

You’ll be pleased to know we had a packed house that night and an absolutely fantastic audience that laughed long and hard the entire show. I performed for nearly an hour and it felt like 15 minutes by the time I said my good night. It’s always a good feeling for us to send a decent sized check to Big Oaks for all the wonderful work they do and the stardust of the Opera House clung to me as I pulled into a Burger King drive-thru before my two hour drive home—because we big comedy stars always imbibe in fine dining after a show. Nights like these will be filigreed memories on which to draw in the future.

 

Hully Gee!!!