I never in a million years would have believed it.

There’s Angie on my front steps, crying and holding an ice pack over her left eye.

Angie — beautiful, funny, athletic, designer-dress-ready Angie.

I knew she was going through a difficult divorce, but I just could not connect her bruised face and black eye with her wealthy, charming-on-the surface, socially-connected husband.

“Over the years, he broke three of my ribs when he cornered me in our closet, he chipped my front tooth and he broke my eardrum,” she says. 

But here’s the catch. She’s only speaking about it to her best friends now, more than 10 years later. This is how long it’s taken her to talk about it.

Angie finally got Bill to move out, but only after the 20th time or so that he beat her over a period of many years. But it took 20 years, plus several humiliating trips to doctor’s offices — doctors who recognized the signs of abuse.

“The doctor who treated me for my broken eardrum told me he knew exactly how it happened and urged me to do something about it. But I didn’t. I just went home. It was just too embarrassing.”

And she never, ever considered pressing charges against her abusive husband.

“I never filed any police reports because I was so determined not to be a failure in my marriage again. It was always my fault because I should not have complained, or I shouldn’t have spoken out, or I shouldn’t have said a certain thing.”

Angie is one of the majority of domestic violence victims who do not seek to have their abusers face criminal charges.

Prosecutors say the refusal of domestic violence victims to press charges against their abusers is among the most frustrating aspects of their jobs.

“I was called a b—- and all kinds of other foul names by victims when I was interviewing them and urging them to them to press charges against their abusers. It was not a job for the easily insulted,” claims Elyse Targ, who spent 10 years as assistant chief of the domestic violence unit as prosecutor for the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office. “They had to blame someone, to get mad at someone because they couldn’t face their abusers, so at times the victims blamed me for their situations.”

The stats are staggering and shocking. According to FindLaw.com, 80 to 90 percent of domestic violence victims recant their claims of abuse against their abusers.

“It’s very challenging when domestic violence victims refuse to cooperate with a prosecution of a case,” says Ashley Hornsby Welch, currently district attorney for District 30 in North Carolina.

“Oftentimes, in order to meet our burden of proof, we need the victim’s testimony. I do not require victims of domestic violence to testify in my district because I don’t want them to be re-victimized by the state. I also think law enforcement gets very frustrated by watching DV victims go back because they’ve put the work in to investigate a case and, oftentimes, the case doesn’t go anywhere when the victim returns to the abuser.”

It varies from state to state. Victim/accusers are required to testify in some areas, while in other states, victims can refuse, but they could be subject to fines and occasionally, be charged with a crime themselves.

“I was frustrated by the time and resources of law enforcement agencies that were devoted to avoidable repeat DV calls and follow up,“ says Alan Leonard, former District 30 attorney and prosecutor for 30 years. “My other great frustration and regret was the impact of domestic violence situations on children. Such violence is learned behavior, passed down through generations. I once dealt with three generations of the same family in domestic violence matters.

“As a prosecutor, you have to walk gently and ethically in encouraging victims of domestic violence to follow through in court.  You have to keep in mind that that it’s the victim, not the prosecutor, who must to go home to their ‘situation’ at the end of the day. Sometimes I would make it possible for the victims to ‘blame it on the prosecutor,’ when I thought it was appropriate and helpful. I’d say, ‘Well, I’m going to call you as a witness and I expect you to tell the truth, and you can blame it all on me.’  But sometimes the victims would flat refuse to testify or would lie by saying nothing had happened. Still, it was usually appropriate to make truthful observations like,’ If this keeps up he’s going to hurt you seriously, maybe kill you. It’s not going to get better. You’ve got to think of your children. You don’t have to put up with this.”

There are legitimate reasons victims don’t follow through by testifying against their abusers. testimony. The most common is fear of more abuse.

“I had a terrible DV case in Macon County, where a defendant while out on bond with a no contact order broke into the woman’s home the night before we were scheduled to go to trial and he beat her severely, while the children were in the home,” DA Ashley continues. “She was in the hospital for a long time. The defendant is still in prison now for that attack. I was so fearful for this victim and I also felt terrible about what had happened to her.”

As for “no contact orders,” also known as restraining or protective orders, the reviews are mixed. Those in the trenches — domestic violence shelters, some police and law enforcement officers, and some victims — will tell you that a TRO is nothing but a piece of paper, and it may push the abuser over the edge to do further violence.

But both district attorneys Welch and Leonard believe they are valuable.

“Protective orders in North Carolina have become more forceful, comprehensive and effective. The DVPO Law is now a powerful tool. Violation of a domestic violence protective order is the only criminal offense in North Carolina where a responding/investigating officer MUST arrest and take an apparent violator/perpetrator of the crime into custody,” Leonard says.

My friend Angie finally got the courage to end her abusive marriage. That last black eye pushed her over the edge from embarrassed and frightened into hiring a good divorce attorney.

“I knew if I did [file a report], I would be in divorce court, which, in the end, is what did happen. I finally had the nerve to kick him out. I called the police that night. “

Angie has now has built a healthy, happy life, free from her former abuser.

Her former husband lives alone, shunned by family and many friends.

-Katrina Daniel