It doesn’t matter how many times I beat my fists on the table or whine and moan, the fact is I made light of last year’s Lay’s Potato Chip competition asking contestants to submit their ideas for their annual, “Do Us A Flavor” contest, and didn’t enter.

But my idea WON, people, it WON!

And I won’t see one red cent. But Hailey Green will. Oh, yes, Miss Hailey Green receives one million big ones for submitting the idea of which Paul and I sarcastically doubled over with laughter as we ran through a litany of disgusting (or so we thought) flavors for this new potato chip.

I mean, c’mon, who the hell would buy a bag of Lay’s ‘Biscuits and Gravy’ potato chips? If you’re looking around and no one is raising their hand, then it must be you. But Biscuits and Gravy won and I want to shoot myself in the head. I’m too depressed to write the rest of this column, so I’m going to do what very lazy columnists do when they can’t think of anything to write about – they make a supposedly funny list of something and then bail and hope their editors don’t notice before deadline.

So here, Lay’s, are the other flavors Paul and I came up with. Feel free to use any. But please make the check out to me. And you’re welcome:

1. Lay’s ‘Potted Meat’ (a chaser to Biscuits and Gravy)

2. Lay’s ‘Bud Lite’ (or, for you Baptists, ‘Sweet Tea’)

3. Lay’s ‘Fried Moon Pie’ (bet you anything this wins next year)

4. Lay’s ‘Vinegar Collards’ (another contender and Hailey’s probably already submitted it)

5. Lay’s ‘Corn Hole’ (I know that’s not a flavor, but saying it always makes me laugh)

6. Lay’s ‘Canned Ham’

7. Lay’s ‘Smells Like Your Mee-Maw’ (I don’t know, either, but usually a combination of lavender and baby powder)

8. Lay’s ‘Chicken Fried Steak’

9. Lay’s ‘Deviled Eggs’

And, of course, everyone’s favorite:

10. Lay’s ‘Nanner Puddin.’

Enjoy. See you next week, if I sober up.