Shauna White, a comely blonde reporter based in Toronto, Canada, is featured in a video that has now gone ‘viral’ around the world, showing first hand how commonly lewd behavior as well as sexual harassment still prevails.

Broadcasting outside, live, before a football game, she was heckled by two young men who actually yelled right into her microphone, blurting some of the most vulgar language possible directly at her.

Shauna, who has said she “felt like a piece of meat,” and has experienced this sort of thing repeatedly, tracked the offenders down, cameramen in tow, to ask these ‘Neanderthals’ (her words) why on earth they would say something so ‘degrading and disgusting.’

‘Because it’s funny- everybody does it!’ one of them retorted as they both continued to laugh and then went on to tell her that she was lucky that’s all they did.

I think it’s terrific Ms. White chased them down on camera and gave them a piece of her mind. It’s even better that one of them was recognized by his employer and promptly fired. But watching their smug faces and unrepentant manner, my inner mullet began to surface and how I wished I’d had them in an audience during a stand up performance.

Because comics, you see, are nursed by wolves in infancy and have an innate ability (probably from duking our way through shows at some of the worse possible places early in our careers: frat houses, strip clubs, even state fairs- you’d be surprised what people will do with corndogs…) to seek out and destroy a heckler once securely in our crosshairs.

A good-natured heckler is one thing; that’s someone who just wants to be part of the show or is a bit too tipsy and loses their inhibition. But the nasty heckler, the heckler who is intent on destroying everyone else’s good time, who carries some sort of grudge or hostility, is the one that must be dealt with effectively and immediately.

And so, Ms. White, should you ever find yourself in this sort of situation again, and I’m sure you will, below is a list of ‘stock’ lines every comic will pull out from time to time that, as well as some of my own, that besides shutting down your adversary, will give you the opportunity to remain cordial and in control. Feel free to use any, or all of them, the next time a heckler blurts out something revolting:

“How very impressive, sir. You see, folks, this is what happens when cousins marry.”

“Little early to be drinking, ain’t it, Buford?”

“Yeah, you’re a chick magnet, alright. Maybe in the future you might even master complete sentences.”

“When your IQ gets higher than your inseam, call me.”

“Looks like you’ve been kicked off all the dating sites, huh? Maybe you should try Livestock.com.”

“Always nice when the Clampetts show up.”

“Let me guess – your dates are stuck in traffic, huh?”

“Yeah, I remember my first beer, too.”

“Do the world a favor and get a vasectomy, k?”

“Dude, I’ve seen horses with better teeth.”

“Hey, splurge a little – try a noun and a verb, sometime.”

“It’s gotta be hard knowing the only woman who would be remotely interested in you is Jane Goodall.”

So commit these little quivers, Shauna, or anyone else who comes under hostile attack, to memory and insert them, when needed, into your verbal crossbow, as you ready for that next, dreaded, battle of wits.

But don’t worry. In the intellectual department, Neanderthals are generally unarmed.