Archived Story

Big lips get you nowhere ask the starlets

Published 10:14am Friday, April 19, 2013

It’s a sad thing to realize that if Judi Dench and Maggie Smith were American actresses, more than likely we would have never seen them in a film since 1978. Isn’t that ridiculous? I have no doubt that if the rights to Downton Abbey are purchased to make an American version we would see the roles filled with the likes of Cher.

Still coiffed with jet-black hair at the age of 66.

This is why I am so very grateful to be a stand-up comic. We’re not supposed to beautiful and it doesn’t matter if we look old. Now, clearly, it matters very much to Joan Rivers and Kathy Griffin, but really, our job is just to bring the funny. If someone considers us attractive, that’s icing on the cake. Once, while sitting backstage before going on ‘The Tonight Show,’ the make-up artist said to me, “Do you want me to go easy on the eye liner?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Most comediennes tell me they don’t want to look too pretty, because they’re afraid the audience won’t think they’re as funny,” he replied genuinely.

“Yeah, well,” I declared flatly, “I don’t think I’m in too much danger of ever appearing too pretty, so slap that spackle on, Spanky. In fact, use a roller.”

If I were still residing in Los Angeles, I believe I would have started a campaign. That’s right, I’d be on the frontline, doing everything I could to entice women to accept the fact that our lips recede with age and there’s nothing wrong with looking normal; picketing outside dermatologists’ and plastic surgeons’ offices, holding high placards proclaiming: “Don’t Give Me No Lip!” and “End the Trout Pout!”

But it’s just a dream. No one will join my picket line because no one will admit they’ve had anything done. Besides, they’ll all be too consumed with the next item on their list.

The Brazilian Butt lift.

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