I’m just along for the ride

Published 9:55am Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Women, you can’t live with ’em, but yet I need someone to make sure my clothes match before I go out in public.

A very haughty statement, but to show oneself in public is to wear attire that actually looks good together; a necessary evil I have realized from my wife.

I actually snuck out the door the other day in a T-shirt and shorts that didn’t match in the least bit without my wife saying anything. Until, of course, I got back home. A bit too late on that one, she may have been trying to teach me a lesson in humility.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you girls out there. In fact, I love you so much that I decided to marry one of you. If it wasn’t for my wife, I would be underfed and still wearing the same underwear I wore when I was in college (12 years ago). Also, I wouldn’t have my wonderful daughter. Who, may I add, is becoming apprentice to my wife in showing me on a daily basis how to function in life.

Yes, at some point along the way my daughter has decided to become a lovely young up-and-coming woman – at the ripe old age of 7. She is, without a doubt, in the beginning stages of being the boss of Daddy.

“We’re going to Nana’s house, go change your clothes,” I say while trying to get prepared to go out the door.

“What does it matter, Daddy, we’re not going inside any stores,” she said staring at me with a look that is meant to convince.

“Who cares what I look like anyway?” she continued with one eyebrow raised. ’Nuff said.

Yes, I’m a big wuss when it comes to standing up to girls. They seem to be right about everything, and I know it. Most of the time I think they must see into the future. It’s one of the most frustrating things in the universe – next to red lights when you’re in a hurry.

If I spent as much time correcting myself and telling me what to do as my girls do, I’d be a perfect man, walking on water and turning that very water into lots and lots of wine! I can now officially say my life is not my own – it belongs to my wife, daughter and a little know-it-all Shitzu dog. My son, God bless him, takes it easy on me… most of the time.

But I still love them unconditionally. I love them enough to think women should probably just run the country. Maybe even the education system. In fact I believe I’ve come up with my own solution for the education system.

No more school for the men.

All the things I’ve learned later in life are really the things that actually matter, not what I was actually taught in school. My wife and kids teach me everything I need to know now that I’m older. How to drive, how to talk to each other kindly, when and when not to open my mouth, how not to be so cheap, when we need to go for an ice cream outing – all the important things in life.

Women should get an education so they have an excuse to teach us everything they know. At the same time, men can grow up learning how to work a specific profession and how to support their families. Women can fill the schoolrooms to graduate with degrees in the art of giving your husband the idea that you’re always right. Less money spent on the need for teachers in schools, more money available to provide the hard-working male population with jobs.

May I add, however, there have been a few times in my 11-year marriage where I have struck it rich and gained the upper hand in actually being right. Those dates have been marked on a calendar that, much to my dismay, has mysteriously been lost and never seen again. Foul play, maybe?

I love my wife and I love my daughter dearly. They bring balance into my life when I need it the most. If it wasn’t for them, I would still be wearing crisscrossed velcro shoes, listening to Barry Manilow, driving in the left lane despite what speed I’m going and eating chips and salsa for meals.

Ok, that was all a bit of an exaggeration, but Barry Manilow is the man.

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